Grief

FJ, Volume 22, Number 6
March 20-April 05, 2008

As anyone who is holding this paper knows, my editor is dead. Not only is my editor gone, but also my tita. And not only my tita, but also my mentor. And to top it all off, I’ve also lost my good friend and the catalyst to my connection to the Winnipeg I now call home, and my connection to the Manitoba Filipino community I now call my people. This really sucks.

I know I’m an adult, but I can’t help feeling downright selfish about the whole situation. Sure, I am terribly sad about what her family and the community have lost—shed tears at the thought--but, when it comes right down to it, I’m most sad about her not being there for me. It’s not that I had contact with her on a daily basis or the honour of being in her inner circle as true family does, but to me, just the knowledge that someone so pure and brilliant, so self-sacrificing and so passionate about our people, so supportive and empowering to me--existed was enough to keep me going. She is probably one of the closest people I’ve known to embodying what I consider a martyr. And now that light is gone.

Of course the light isn’t truly gone, right? I mean, I know the memory and love continues, her vision won’t die, and her legacy will be kept alive, but, really, I have to admit, it’s always better to have that inspiration in the flesh, the gentle persistent reminder phone call from that soft voice about the FJ deadline or the PCCM meeting, the twinkle of recognition in her eyes in a crowd of new faces, the calm knowing smile, the paradoxical sight of her--both fragile and purposeful strength, this beautiful spirit caught in the very real, physical pain of this world.

Being a doctor, I can’t help but focus on this pain. How frustrated I was at her insistence to be strong, when I warned her to take a break, not let the stresses get to her. She always said she was fine, but I knew. It is hard knowing this and caring so much, but not being able to change a thing. It is hard trying to get others to “lay off” and try not to involve her in the petty stresses of everyday life—so she could really heal. It is hard trying to convince someone whose strength of convictions overpower seemingly anything—be it medical knowledge or worried warnings from someone who couldn’t stand the thought of the possibly preventable demise of a loved one. I think we all have contributed to this—it is natural when being around someone so strong to rely on her, to not see that she needs rest, to expect nothing but strength from her, even to push her beyond limits she is not even consciously aware of. This is raw sadness and regret and frustration and love.

I guess if there’s one thing, one message I want to say out of this terrible experience—it is this:

Be selfish. Take a break. Sharpen the saw. Love yourself, and that means all aspects of you—body, heart, mind, soul. If you are feeding your soul with your body, that is not balance, not healthy, and that eventually robs the very people you are serving of the pleasure of being around a healthier you for greater longevity. By all means be passionate and serve the community! But serving the community in a healthful manner means serving yourself too, and giving the gift of contribution to others—let others carry the burden too. Live with integrity. By this I don’t mean simple honesty, but be integrated—balanced. Nurture all the aspects of your being. Take a “mental health” moment. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Listen to what your body is telling you. Strive for feeling, thinking, saying, and acting from an integrated core. Live your truth, not the perception of the truth of others, be they loved ones or a community. Learn to rely on others occasionally. Be okay with sometimes being weak or vulnerable. Love yourself just as much as you love others. Realize that you need this self-love to truly give to others. Openly appreciate the time you have been given, and everything in this world that has been given to you to work with. Above all, let the memory of a fiery leader inspire you to give back to your world from a place of true health.