In Deed

FJ Volume 21, Number 11
June 05 - 20, 2007

'Ako ay Pilipina, indeed.'

That is the stinging concluding remark from a letter to the editor in response to my proud self-statement (a reference to the song Magdaragat introduced me to which eventually helped reconnect me to my heritage) in my FJ article on Folklorama when I first moved to Winnipeg in 2003. Ar-ouch. To this day, 4 years later, I can feel my blood pressure rise and my heart sink when I recall the experience. The writer was not happy with my use of the word “Flip” to refer to Filipinos, apparently considered derogatory by some. I was shocked at the strong negative reaction and attack at not only my character but also my definition of myself as a Filipina—ang bilis bilis, too!--because all my life, that word was a special term, almost of entitlement—like my “peeps”, my “homies.” This was the term my barkadas, a handful of Saskatchewan Filipino-Canadian teens—The Filipinas Youth Group, used to call ourselves—we were cool because we had something no one else did. Like a mini-gang minus the drugs and guns and scare factor. We wore bandannas and break-danced like no other. Heck, we dominated in the dance realm. I don’t know where Bagets (form of dance Magdaragat taught us) originally came from, but it became ours. We serenaded and pen-pal’ed with our Magdaragat friends like it was going out of style. We kicked butt in basketball and sikaran. No one could touch us. Looking back, it was par for the course; identity issues--what all teens go through.

Now 20 years later, that letter triggered another mini identity crisis—I was seeking any reassurance I could get from my parents and the FJ editors. Did I just offend the entire Filipino community with my words?? Was I any less Filipino because that word was power where I came from but here—a cause for immediate ostracism? And why didn’t anyone teach me this in Coconut School??! What about my lack of Tagalog? Or my Chinese blood and Chinese name? What do I do to “fix” this?? Dare I ask the question--who’s “more Filipino” here: someone who tries to build up the Filipino spirit in all its different forms despite glaring “un-Filipino-ness”, or someone with the privilege of breeding & birthright who tries to break it? I think I’d take 10 puti in barongg tagalogs singing our anthem off-key over 1 “purebred” Pinoy holding a gun to another. But that’s just “You’re-not-Filipino…No-you’re-not”–me. I still ask random Pinoys I meet about that word, because I do not want to give up that word; I refuse to give up that pride I’ve associated with it.

With time, I realized that if I wanted to resolve this inner disquiet, I best put my money where my mouth is. I went on a Medical Mission to Catanduanes, and saw and learned so much I hadn’t realized about my heritage. I decided to put my writing skills with my medical knowledge to do something good for the Filipino community—hence my health column, Ask Dr. Denise was born. To better understand our community and culture in addition to trying to serve the community, I ran for the PCCM Board and am now the Communications and Marketing Committee Chair. I started Tagalog/Filipino language classes, and everyone has been really great at encouraging me to use what I’ve learned. I joined the Asian Heritage Society in my quest to help increase the Filipino voice and profile in Manitoba. I am doing what I can to give back to an amazing community that embraced me with barbecues and socials and kain and baon.One of my crowning glories was when I reclaimed my Philippine Dual Citizenship when I visited Ottawa mid-April, while I was there to represent the Canadian Association of Internes and Residents (CAIR) at the Canadian Medical Association Council for Health Policy and Economics meeting. Our Embassy was gracious enough to facilitate the process of documentation requirements with my parents in Regina so that I could pledge allegiance to the Philippines at the Embassy during my trip. I was ecstatic as well as teary-eyed to achieve such an important validation of who I am. I also got my shiny new Pilipinas passport, so it was like winning the lottery!I still get the comments that I am “not Filipino enough” and “too Canadian.” I can only respond by accepting these stinging remarks and actively doing what I can to dispel these beliefs—not for my ego (I know full well who I am and have never hidden this), but because in my vision of what our Filipino community in Canada could become, these attitudes drive people apart rather than pull together as a family, and I must address this. Thus I must sincerely invite and encourage any of my kababayan to please feel free to come directly to me with any concerns they have about my actions/behaviours in the Filipino community. This is not at all a challenge, but an honest plea to the community to help me in this vital aspect of my life. Hopefully through my actions and deeds for the Filipino community, I can gain the acceptance of those I hope to advocate for.

In this way, I feel I can say, truly,

Ako ay Pilipina, in deed.